A Good Day To Dali Hard

So the done thing when you get a code is to decode it, apparently. And the best way to get this done is to hand over said code to a guy who knows a guy, in a dark alley behind a bar. At night. Wearing trench coats. And sunglasses.

No, don't ask me why. These are time honoured traditions that have existed since the days of The Wachowskii.

Anyway.

First, I had to find a bar. Which was ironic, seeing as I had just bolted from a bar. The bar. The greatest bar in the Universe. Bar none. Zaphod had probably barred me already. Which reminded me, "The Bard" was an excellent choice of a bar for a clandestine meeting.

From the End of The Universe, the number of ways to get to any other place in the Universe is 2. (Theoretically, there are infinite ways. Because the theoretical answer to any question that involves numbers is "Infinity".) The first way is to get a really fast car/ship/unicycle of some sort, and gun it away from the End, because once the Universe ends, you're not going anywhere.

The second way is the Loophole. A loophole is a rare and powerful type of wormhole that can take you wherever you want. A supercharged, personalized wormhole, if you will. This means that two people can see the same loophole at the same time, and yet end up in two very different places! But unlike wormholes, which are a dime a dozen, loopholes are extremely difficult to find. According to the Encyclopedia Galatica, a loophole can usually be found lurking next to a "star that appears near the end of anything". So all I had to do was find a star near the End of the Universe, see the loophole, and...

*****************

"The Bard" is a nondescript, shady alternative hangout for shady characters who have been barred from all other bars across the Universe. The creme de la creme of shady, so to speak. The Real Slim Shady himself was the Guest of Honour at the inauguration. What better place to meet Guy Hunosagai, Knower of Guys.

Disguised as a Barred Bartender, I sat in a dark corner of the bar. The position was perfect. No one would even think of looking in the corner, because the place was circular.

Pretty soon, I saw a guy make his way to the counter. This was my chance. Was this the guy who knows a guy, Guy Hunosagai? I decided to probe him. By asking questions. At a safe and respectable distance.

*****************

'ssup.

'ssup maaan.

Ah, nothin'. Jus' the old SSDD.

I know man. It's all propaganda though. I know a guy who says the same shit everytime.

*he knew a guy!*

You know a guy?

Of course man! And this guy he knows a guy, Hinoe Zagii, who knows a guy who told him *dramatic pause for effect* that it was propaganda. By the Galactic Government no less. But I know a guy who gets me around.

*This was the guy, Guy Hunosagai. He had a guy for EVERYTHING.*

That's cool man, because I had some work. Of sensitive nature. The kind that could get you barred from The Bard.

Keep going...

I have code.

SSSSSHHHH! Why didn't you tell me before?! For code, we must go the Alley. 

Right you are, let's go then!

But there's still 42 minutes to nightfall! We must wait. And don't worry, trenchcoats and sunglasses are available at a very nominal security deposit. So drink up, my man!

*****************

...42 minutes later...

*****************

I'm sure you understand why we had to wait. The ancient Wachowskian tradition...

I totally understand, Hunosagai-san.

You know my name! You are no ordinary bartender. Tell me, who are you?

You see through me. I am Pathos, formerly of R@EoTU.

So the stories are true! There is a vacancy at the R@EoTU!

I'm afraid so. Why, are you interested?

Noooo. But I know a guy who is.

Ah well. So, do you know a guy who can decrypt code?

I know lots of guys who can decrypt code. But what kind of code?

It is unlike any code I have seen. It seems to be derived from the Ancient language of Web.

Let me have a look.

Here,  what do you think? 

goo.gl/dsiEt

Hmmm, you are close. But no cigar. This is a later form of the Web, called Goog.

Goog?

Goog.

And you know a guy who knows Goog?

It is an extremely rare skill these days...

Money is no object.

...but luckily for you, I know a guy who can Goog. In fact, he goes gaga over Goog.

That's good to hear. It is of utmost urgency. A matter of life or death.

It always is. Meet me here tomorrow at the same time. With your credit card. I don't accept cash.

Thank you, Hunosagai-san. So this guy who Googs, what is his name?

Hees Thagii.

I know he's the guy, but what's his name?

Hees Thagii! His name is Hees Thagii.

Hees Thagii?! Legendary overlord-turned-philanthropist-turned-axe murderer-turned-painter Hees Thagii?!

The same. Luckily for you he turned Code Breaker last week.

Are you sure Hees can be trusted?

"...he can be trusted", where's your grammar, my man! And, yes he can be. Hees has always been extremely professional. 

If he's the guy you say Hees Thagii is, I have no reason to doubt him.

Rest assured, Pathos. I must leave now, I have to meet this guy. So tomorrow it is then? 

Of course, Hunosagai-san, we shall meet tomorrow.

Cheerio!

**********************

Help is on the way, d' Argh.

Hold on.

The Return of The Dali - The First Try.

*Clockwise. Anticlockwise. Upside down.*

*Clockwise. Anticlockwise. Upside down.*

Hey man, how about another one of those Galacticky thingys?

*Clockwise. Anticl...Well, wiping glasses kinda sucks doesn't it?*

I said, HEY MAN HOW ABOUT AN...

I HEARD YA! GET IT YERSELF! I'm outta this dump!

************************

That was a year ago.

A year. Chasing a ghost.

Well, not so much a "ghost" than a "temporally challenged midget".

I've been here, there, then, now. Everywhere and everywhen.

All I've got after all this is this weird code.

It was carved into the adamantium countertop at the R@EOTW.

goo.gl/dsiEt

Where are you, d'Argh?

************************

A Touchy Movement

Some time ago, I got a forwarded mail that was just so, so wrong. There is no other way to describe it. Let's have a look, shall we?

Disclaimer 1: Personal Details masked, because I don't want to be hunted down and killed by a touching* Systems Analyst.

Disclaimer 2: I have *nothing* against Systems Analysts. They're delightful people. Most of the time.

*****************

<quote>

Hi Friend

One more touchy movement

I like to share some thing. Like every day I start early for bang-6, When I reached bommanhalli  bus stop, I saw a lady, she is not able to stand properly, look like she is sick, people are watch her but know body came to help her. I was not able to understand what she is asking (talking in Kannada). One girl come to me and asks about her. We ask one auto person to drop her to BTM. He agreed but when he saw the leady without saying he run away, I was looking for another auto, Girl was having conversation with leady and she took out big money and gave to leady without any hesitation, Till that time able to get another Auto. We finally board her to auto.

You know who that girl is, she is one of <company name masked> HR.  (I did not asked her name)

I saw people to help other but most of them from <company name masked>  It always makes me to feel proud to be part of ‘<company name masked>’

Such incidents always touch me, my sole, Humanities is still there in world. 

Friends – if we cannot become like SUN, at least  we should like Candle.  

Thanks and Regards,
****** ***** *****
_________________________________________________
Systems Analyst
<company name masked>, Bangalore, India
É +91 80 ********* , *********** È +91 ***********
? ***********@********.***
MSN/AOL -**********/********* 

<unquote>

******************

Amazing. A truly transcendental experience, reading this...thing.

Let's wade right into the morass.

• "Touchy" --> "Touchy" means "irritable"...what he really meant was "touching" but of course, this is just the beginning, and really, this is great in the face of what's coming.
• "touchy movement" --> Good Lord.
• "people are watch her but know body came to help her" --> What this person talking about knowbody really knows, no?
• "We ask one auto person to drop her to BTM" --> The one reasonably correct sentence in this Pool of Misery. In fact, the others are so horrifying that this one shines like a diamond.
• "We finally board her to auto." --> What does this mean? Really? Yeah, I know that he's TRYING to say that they got the "leady" into the auto, but really that sentence(...if you can call it that.) is straight out of an English teacher's nightmare.
• "It always makes me to feel proud" --> I no, we all make us to feel so proud that Systems Analyst is making type this much in English, know?
• "Such incidents always touch me, my sole, Humanities is still there in world" --> They touch his "sole". The underside of his foot. And he's very grateful for all the Humanities courses in the world, of course.
• "Friends – if we cannot become like SUN, at least  we should like Candle." --> I hear this is a big problem nowadays, people hating candles.

And, the most horrifying part.

• Systems Analyst --> that would mean a reasonably senior member of a multinational giant. 

But then again, I guess he gets. it. done. 

Without talking.

Hopefully.

Stories From Long Ago - Part IV (TOW We're Going Next Year)

"Tell me a story, it's been so long since you told me a story..."

"Well, ok, I suppose you want to hear a story from when I was little?"

"Yeah...!"

"Ok..."

*****************

Miracles happened every day. Magic was real. There were magical places, far away. Every night I went to sleep listening to stories about them, the magical people who lived there, and the songs that they sang.

Super Mario fought his way through a world filled with gnomes and magic mushrooms, only to discover that the princess was in another castle. But he dug underground, scampered up vines into the sky, hitching rides on passing clouds, finally reaching the Eighth World. Magic was real, and we wanted to grow up in a world where magic mushrooms jumped out of exploding bricks, and made us bigger and older.

Ooty was way up in the hills, and it was so cold that your breath fogged, and you could pretend like you were smoking. It was so high up that you could see the fields far below, like a jigsaw puzzle, and clouds would drift under your feet. Like they did in Super Mario. I couldn't wait to go to Ooty and step onto a cloud as it was passing by. We were going next year. We would go to Ooty, and from there down south to Kanyakumari, where three oceans came together.

December was cold, and we would wake up early during the holidays, and sit on the porch watching the dew-drops glinting off the Morning Glory that blanketed the rusty gate. We would breathe out into the misty air, and it would be like this at Ooty, when we would take that trip we used to talk about. Except that in Ooty, it was so cold that you had to wear 2 sweaters.

The room heater came out of the store room during winter every year. It glowed in the dark through the night as we snuggled under the downy quilt. It was really cold. And just imagine, Ooty would be colder. Next year, we would all go there. And to Kanyakumari, where you could see three oceans, at the same time. And I told anyone who would listen. We were going next year.

It was easy to believe that the world was magical. Every night I went to sleep listening to stories about magical places. Every night I dreamt about what I would do when I got there. Because, we were going next year.

*****************

"And did you go, next year?"

"Yeah we did, once. In 1993."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"We could go to Ooty again, you know."

"And Kanyakumari too?"

"Uh huh? And we could try walking on clouds?"

"We can't anymore. They stopped letting people on in '94."

"But we can still see the 3 oceans though."

"Yeah, they're still there."

"We'll go next year."

"Yeah. Next year."

The Rhyme of Snobberwocky and The Beanpole.

A crazy attempt to cheer up a friend resulted in this.

The Rhyme of Snobberwocky and The Beanpole

Snobberwocky:
I will breathe fire,
I will chew you out,
And I'll vent my ire,
Without thinking about,
Whoever you may be,
Whatever you may say,
I will not smile,
I will only stare.

The Beanpole:
That's what you think,
I know it's not true,
'Cos I see a Titch,
Somewhere inside you,
A Titch that I know,
Who yearns to come out,
A Titch that The Beanpole,
Cannot be without.

Snobberwocky:
Silly little Beanpole,
Stand outta my way,
I'm cranky, I'm irritated,
It's just not my day,
Life's not all jokes,
And LOLs galore,
Life's about realities,
Don't be so sore.

*after a pause*

The Beanpole:
I might be silly,
But I miss the Titch,
And that's all that I know,
Not that any of which,
That you say doesn't matter,
I know it is true,
But remember the craziness,
That I shared with you?

Snobberwocky: 

*grudgingly*
Oh well, I do,
But that's not the point,
There's work to be done,
And words to be coined,
But I miss her too,
Maybe more than I say,
But I cannot be the Titch again,
I want to, but no way.

The Beanpole: 

*encouraged*
Life may not be,
All fun and jokes,
But as long as we can laugh about it,
and say "Holy Smokes!",
Everytime we mess it up,
And then get back on our feet,
That how it should be,
Dear ol' Snobberwocky.