When Bell-bottoms Ruled The Earth.

NOTE : 'Jump Breaks' DO NOT work! So it's a long, long post. Any help on this will be appreciated.


Things are never what they seem to be. There’s always something they don’t tell you. Like, about that time your dad asked your mom out for the first time.

They went for a movie, The Sound Of Music. And then, Happily Ever After.

Sure. That’s what they tell you. But here’s what really happened.

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When Bell-Bottoms Ruled The Earth

Circa 1965.

“So tell me about her, this girl you’re pursuing”.

“Oh, it’s nothing really. Just a passing fancy. A natural curiosity. “

“Oh really. And that is why you want me to build a mini-tracking device?”

“Er. Well it’s kinda complicated.”

***


Well it was. Ms. Kelly was the object of my affection, secret as of yet. But I planned to change all that. If I could tell her apart from Ms. Sheila, her identical twin. But it was nigh impossible. It was like trying to tell apart one electron from the other. Which was certainly an interesting concept, because no two electrons behaved the same way twice under the exact same conditions according to a latest study.

But that was not the point.

Ms. Kelly. I could tell it was really her once we had talked for a couple of minutes, but there was no way I could tell her from her twin at first glance. Both of them were fellow lecturers at the college where I taught, I mean “tried to teach”, doped-out, hippie clones the way around the atom. And guess what, they both taught Math. So that was a dead-end street.

A couple of times I’d passed one of them in the corridors, wasn’t exactly sure which one it was. So I smiled, and tried not to, both at once, which in retrospect definitely did not look good at all. And this one time, I was talking to one of them, only to find out after a few minutes that I was flirting with the wrong twin. Thankfully, she didn’t realize that I was flirting. Well, it was rather cunningly disguised.

So, what I needed was a way to tell them apart at first glance. Some kind of mark. But that was out of the question, because it would look rather suspicious if I tried to brand one of them. What I needed was a signal that would tell me it was Kelly, and not Sheila. A signal. And a signal meant…

“Bill, I need a favor”

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***

“And this is what you came up with? A mini-Geiger counter and a radium diode?”

“Well, you have to admit, it's a stroke of genius.”

“It’s crazy! Are you out of your mind? For one, how do you plan to implant it on her?”

“Oh. Yes. That. Well, that’s the other favor.”

“Huh? You want me to do what?”

“I have observed she wears a hairband, you just have to tape it to it. And it’s most convenient since both of you share the same staffroom. Thanks, Bill.”

“No no no, I meant that in the tone of ‘You want me to do WHAT?!’”

***

So, finally, Bill has agreed to The Mission, as we’re calling it now. The Ticker is coming along nicely too. It’ll fit in my pocket and start ticking whenever that radium diode comes close. So you see, I have my signal!

Kelly, here I come!

***

Tick. Tick. Tick tick tick.

“Good morning Professor O’Hara, I love what you’ve done with your hair today”

“Oh! Thank you, Professor Mitchell. And a very good morning to you too.”

Smile.

Blush.

Tick. Tick.

***

Hah. “Crazy”, sayest thou, Bill?

***

Tick tick tick.

“Hello Professor O’Hara, what do you think of  Julie Andrews?”

“Why, Professor Mitchell, she’s my favorite!”

“Oh do call me Kenneth. Or better still, Ken”

“Well, only if you call me Kelly.”

Smile. “Sure, Kelly.”

Blush.

***

Things are going swimmingly. As a matter of fact, I’m going to ask her out tomorrow. To the Sound Of Music. That should seal it.

***

Tick tick tick.

“Say Kelly, how about a movie, this Saturday?”

“Oh. Oh! Well, I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s the Sound Of Music.”

“Oh! Wow. I, er, hmmm, oh, er, okay.” Blush.

“It’s a date then. Tomorrow evening, 6, then?”

“Uh huh.”

***

“I did it! I did it, Bill. I asked her out!”

“Are you sure you asked the right one?”

“Of course I’m sure, she ticked!”

“Oh. Hmmm, I’m surprised that thing still works.”

“Of course it does. Like a charm!”

“Hmmm, you still need a ticker to recognize your paramour. My my, what a sad Romeo you are.”

“Har har. Well I’m getting better at it, I just need some more time.”

***


I showed up as the Town Hall gong sounded out six times. Parking my trusty Vespa outside her gate, I walked up the driveway, bell-bottoms flapping in the evening breeze, and rang the doorbell. I was greeted by a walrus mustache.


“So you’re Professor Mitchell?”.

The dad.

“Good evening, Mr. O’Hara!”

I’ve heard they do this on purpose to see if the man can stand up to The Dad Test. If you do, you’re in. I think I did. Because he told me to bring them back by 9. No later.

Wait. Did he say “them”?

***

I had a situation on my hands. Plan A had been busted by Mr. Dad-Hopefully-In-Law. Sheila would be coming along. As a chaperone. Yeah, it was a situation. Because, I had no Plan B. And I wasn’t the what you would call, a “go-with-the-flow”, or a “make-it-up-as-you-go-along”, or something to that effect, kind of guy. And so, I did what any self respecting guy, head over heels in love with a girl too awesome for him, would do.

I panicked.

The Vespa had to go. Atleast, disappear temporarily. I slipped out surreptitiously, and wheeled it to a rundown shed next to the gate. I was back on the couch flipping through the newspaper, nonchalantly, when she came down the stairs.

She looked rather nice. Beautiful, and all those things.

Her hair was let down from the tight ponytail she sported in the college. It cascaded down in wavy, well, waves to her shoulders. But I didn’t see that. Because all I could see, or rather couldn’t see, was the hairband. There was no hairband on her head! Why was there no hairband?!

And just to add a nice touch of madness to the mystery, the other one was coming down the stairs now. Dang it, her hair was loose too! This was Kelly. Yeah. Or was it? Didn’t she have smaller eyes than Sheila? Or did she?

My trusty Ticker was just dead weight in my pocket now. I might as well throw it at Mr. Walrus-Mustache and make my getaway while I still had some of my pride left. I found myself thinking about how fast I could get to the Vespa and get it running.


One of them was saying something.

“You don’t mind do you? Daddy insisted.”


Of course I minded! I ground my teeth at no one in particular, but directed it in the general direction of a walrus mustache. Inwardly. Outwardly, I shrugged, again nonchalantly. “No problem.” I chanced an easy grin, but it came out like a snorted grimace. “None at all.”

I wanted to say she looked beautiful, but supposing it was the wrong twin? My first date would be over before it began. So I chose to run my fingers through my hair instead. All cool and nonchalant. Maybe one of them would drop a hint. I just had to bid my time. That was it. That was all.

***

“Hmmm, you still need a ticker to recognize your paramour. My my, what a sad Romeo you are.”

Oh, shut up, Bill’s Voice.

***

She’s sitting next to me, so she should be Kelly, after all, she wouldn’t let her sister sit between us on the first date.

“…The hills are alive…with the sound of music…”


Sheila’s supposed to chaperone. Of course, she’s sitting between us.

“…how do you solve a problem like Maria…”


But what if it’s Kelly? Wouldn’t she think it was highly unnatural if you paid her no attention at all?

“…leigh odeleigh odeleigh eee oooh…”


You know, the worst thing EVER, would be to make a move for her hand now, and then find out that it was the wrong girl. So stay put! Biding your time, remember?

“…Edelweiss, edelweiss…”


Ok, it’s now or never. Take her hand. It’s right there. Move your hand. Move it!

Or, I’ll wait a little while longer. She’s bound to say something that would give away who she is.

“…Climb every mountain…”

Ok, this has got to be the worst first date ever. I don’t even know who my date is. And it’s almost over.

“…when you find your dream!”

I’m going to throw the Ticker at the screen.

***

“Oh, it was wonderful! The songs, and the children! And ooh, Julie Andrews!”

“Oh yeah. That. Wasn’t it? I liked it too.”  What children? There were children in the movie?

Please God, or Whoever Is In Charge. I just want to know who it is. That’s all. Just one tiny sign. I just want to know.

***

“Here we are. Home before 9. Just as I promised.”  Dang!

“Thank you Professor Mitchell, and goodnight! It was a great movie! I’ll let you two say goodnight”,  said one of them, and walked up the driveway.


The sign! Kelly was standing by me, smiling. She was the one who’d been sitting next to me! And dammit, I hadn’t held her hand! I didn’t know if I was relieved or disappointed. I was pretty sure a squeak escaped me.

“The movie was really something eh? I mean, riveting. Couldn’t take my eyes off it.”


“Oh, me too. Hmmm, you look strikingly different than you do at college.”


“And that is good or bad?”  What did I just say?

“Goodnight, Ken. I really had a wonderful time.”

And she smiled that enigmatic smile, the kind that ladies world over have used with far-reaching consequences.

***

It’s said that God or Whoever Is In Charge intervenes only when we mess it up so bad, that only He can set things right.

***

I threw the Ticker off a bridge on the way back home.

***

And yeah, there was a Happily Ever After.  That should prove something, though I’m not really sure what.

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And THAT is what really happened. Don't trust me? Ask them. Go ahead.