A Good Day To Dali Hard

So the done thing when you get a code is to decode it, apparently. And the best way to get this done is to hand over said code to a guy who knows a guy, in a dark alley behind a bar. At night. Wearing trench coats. And sunglasses.

No, don't ask me why. These are time honoured traditions that have existed since the days of The Wachowskii.

Anyway.

First, I had to find a bar. Which was ironic, seeing as I had just bolted from a bar. The bar. The greatest bar in the Universe. Bar none. Zaphod had probably barred me already. Which reminded me, "The Bard" was an excellent choice of a bar for a clandestine meeting.

From the End of The Universe, the number of ways to get to any other place in the Universe is 2. (Theoretically, there are infinite ways. Because the theoretical answer to any question that involves numbers is "Infinity".) The first way is to get a really fast car/ship/unicycle of some sort, and gun it away from the End, because once the Universe ends, you're not going anywhere.

The second way is the Loophole. A loophole is a rare and powerful type of wormhole that can take you wherever you want. A supercharged, personalized wormhole, if you will. This means that two people can see the same loophole at the same time, and yet end up in two very different places! But unlike wormholes, which are a dime a dozen, loopholes are extremely difficult to find. According to the Encyclopedia Galatica, a loophole can usually be found lurking next to a "star that appears near the end of anything". So all I had to do was find a star near the End of the Universe, see the loophole, and...

*****************

"The Bard" is a nondescript, shady alternative hangout for shady characters who have been barred from all other bars across the Universe. The creme de la creme of shady, so to speak. The Real Slim Shady himself was the Guest of Honour at the inauguration. What better place to meet Guy Hunosagai, Knower of Guys.

Disguised as a Barred Bartender, I sat in a dark corner of the bar. The position was perfect. No one would even think of looking in the corner, because the place was circular.

Pretty soon, I saw a guy make his way to the counter. This was my chance. Was this the guy who knows a guy, Guy Hunosagai? I decided to probe him. By asking questions. At a safe and respectable distance.

*****************

'ssup.

'ssup maaan.

Ah, nothin'. Jus' the old SSDD.

I know man. It's all propaganda though. I know a guy who says the same shit everytime.

*he knew a guy!*

You know a guy?

Of course man! And this guy he knows a guy, Hinoe Zagii, who knows a guy who told him *dramatic pause for effect* that it was propaganda. By the Galactic Government no less. But I know a guy who gets me around.

*This was the guy, Guy Hunosagai. He had a guy for EVERYTHING.*

That's cool man, because I had some work. Of sensitive nature. The kind that could get you barred from The Bard.

Keep going...

I have code.

SSSSSHHHH! Why didn't you tell me before?! For code, we must go the Alley. 

Right you are, let's go then!

But there's still 42 minutes to nightfall! We must wait. And don't worry, trenchcoats and sunglasses are available at a very nominal security deposit. So drink up, my man!

*****************

...42 minutes later...

*****************

I'm sure you understand why we had to wait. The ancient Wachowskian tradition...

I totally understand, Hunosagai-san.

You know my name! You are no ordinary bartender. Tell me, who are you?

You see through me. I am Pathos, formerly of R@EoTU.

So the stories are true! There is a vacancy at the R@EoTU!

I'm afraid so. Why, are you interested?

Noooo. But I know a guy who is.

Ah well. So, do you know a guy who can decrypt code?

I know lots of guys who can decrypt code. But what kind of code?

It is unlike any code I have seen. It seems to be derived from the Ancient language of Web.

Let me have a look.

Here,  what do you think? 

goo.gl/dsiEt

Hmmm, you are close. But no cigar. This is a later form of the Web, called Goog.

Goog?

Goog.

And you know a guy who knows Goog?

It is an extremely rare skill these days...

Money is no object.

...but luckily for you, I know a guy who can Goog. In fact, he goes gaga over Goog.

That's good to hear. It is of utmost urgency. A matter of life or death.

It always is. Meet me here tomorrow at the same time. With your credit card. I don't accept cash.

Thank you, Hunosagai-san. So this guy who Googs, what is his name?

Hees Thagii.

I know he's the guy, but what's his name?

Hees Thagii! His name is Hees Thagii.

Hees Thagii?! Legendary overlord-turned-philanthropist-turned-axe murderer-turned-painter Hees Thagii?!

The same. Luckily for you he turned Code Breaker last week.

Are you sure Hees can be trusted?

"...he can be trusted", where's your grammar, my man! And, yes he can be. Hees has always been extremely professional. 

If he's the guy you say Hees Thagii is, I have no reason to doubt him.

Rest assured, Pathos. I must leave now, I have to meet this guy. So tomorrow it is then? 

Of course, Hunosagai-san, we shall meet tomorrow.

Cheerio!

**********************

Help is on the way, d' Argh.

Hold on.

The Return of The Dali - The First Try.

*Clockwise. Anticlockwise. Upside down.*

*Clockwise. Anticlockwise. Upside down.*

Hey man, how about another one of those Galacticky thingys?

*Clockwise. Anticl...Well, wiping glasses kinda sucks doesn't it?*

I said, HEY MAN HOW ABOUT AN...

I HEARD YA! GET IT YERSELF! I'm outta this dump!

************************

That was a year ago.

A year. Chasing a ghost.

Well, not so much a "ghost" than a "temporally challenged midget".

I've been here, there, then, now. Everywhere and everywhen.

All I've got after all this is this weird code.

It was carved into the adamantium countertop at the R@EOTW.

goo.gl/dsiEt

Where are you, d'Argh?

************************

A Touchy Movement

Some time ago, I got a forwarded mail that was just so, so wrong. There is no other way to describe it. Let's have a look, shall we?

Disclaimer 1: Personal Details masked, because I don't want to be hunted down and killed by a touching* Systems Analyst.

Disclaimer 2: I have *nothing* against Systems Analysts. They're delightful people. Most of the time.

*****************

<quote>

Hi Friend

One more touchy movement

I like to share some thing. Like every day I start early for bang-6, When I reached bommanhalli  bus stop, I saw a lady, she is not able to stand properly, look like she is sick, people are watch her but know body came to help her. I was not able to understand what she is asking (talking in Kannada). One girl come to me and asks about her. We ask one auto person to drop her to BTM. He agreed but when he saw the leady without saying he run away, I was looking for another auto, Girl was having conversation with leady and she took out big money and gave to leady without any hesitation, Till that time able to get another Auto. We finally board her to auto.

You know who that girl is, she is one of <company name masked> HR.  (I did not asked her name)

I saw people to help other but most of them from <company name masked>  It always makes me to feel proud to be part of ‘<company name masked>’

Such incidents always touch me, my sole, Humanities is still there in world. 

Friends – if we cannot become like SUN, at least  we should like Candle.  

Thanks and Regards,
****** ***** *****
_________________________________________________
Systems Analyst
<company name masked>, Bangalore, India
É +91 80 ********* , *********** È +91 ***********
? ***********@********.***
MSN/AOL -**********/********* 

<unquote>

******************

Amazing. A truly transcendental experience, reading this...thing.

Let's wade right into the morass.

• "Touchy" --> "Touchy" means "irritable"...what he really meant was "touching" but of course, this is just the beginning, and really, this is great in the face of what's coming.
• "touchy movement" --> Good Lord.
• "people are watch her but know body came to help her" --> What this person talking about knowbody really knows, no?
• "We ask one auto person to drop her to BTM" --> The one reasonably correct sentence in this Pool of Misery. In fact, the others are so horrifying that this one shines like a diamond.
• "We finally board her to auto." --> What does this mean? Really? Yeah, I know that he's TRYING to say that they got the "leady" into the auto, but really that sentence(...if you can call it that.) is straight out of an English teacher's nightmare.
• "It always makes me to feel proud" --> I no, we all make us to feel so proud that Systems Analyst is making type this much in English, know?
• "Such incidents always touch me, my sole, Humanities is still there in world" --> They touch his "sole". The underside of his foot. And he's very grateful for all the Humanities courses in the world, of course.
• "Friends – if we cannot become like SUN, at least  we should like Candle." --> I hear this is a big problem nowadays, people hating candles.

And, the most horrifying part.

• Systems Analyst --> that would mean a reasonably senior member of a multinational giant. 

But then again, I guess he gets. it. done. 

Without talking.

Hopefully.

The Script of A Romance.

"It's been such a long time! Why don't you tell me any stories nowadays?"

"Hmmm, I don't know, I think I've run out of stories."

"You? You'll never run out of stories! So tell me one now!"

"Now? It's almost midnight! There's only an hour left for New Year."

"So? It can be a small story."

"But I don't remember any right now."

"Then make one up! I want a story now!"

"OK OK, I think I got one..."

******************************

"...well?"

"Well, I really have run out of stories. I just can't get anything interesting enough."

"But I wanted to hear a story tonight..."

"Yeah, me too...What shall we do?"

"You could make one up?"

"I could, but I dunno if it'd be any good."

"Let's see."

"Hmmm, OK, here goes..."

*******************************

Ever hear the term "whirlwind romance"? Yeah well, this was something of that sort. But it involved five solid months of negotiation. Negotiating for a cup of coffee.

*******************************

"Wait, this is about us, isn't it?!"

"He he, well yeah! Nothing else comes to mind. I think the New Year spirit is finally getting to me. I want the last few moments of this year to be about us and our crazy romance!"

"You are the crazy one. You put the moves on me! Coffee, it seems, you wanted this to happen, didn't you?"

"No! You were interesting to chat with, so I just wanted to see where it went! As if you didn't want this to happen! So don't give me that!"

"It was all you! You put the moves on me! You had all these corny lines, and I for some reason thought they were funny at the time!"

"Well, you put the moves on me too! You gave me a coffee mug for my birthday, when we'd barely started talking! By the way, you still think I'm funny."

"That wasn't a move! I give gifts to all my friends!"

"Aha! Guilty! That was a move if ever there was one! You remembered my birthday, you were prepared with a gift!"

"It was just a friendly gesture! But you, you were good, weren't you? You were full of lines and quips and quotes and jokes and whatnot!"

"Well I still am! Do you remember you kept hiding from your friends whenever we went out together?"

"Well I didn't want anyone to know that I had a heart! Imagine the horror! They all used to think I was made of stone!"

"How did I manage to slip under your shields? I'm good, eh?"

"You! You used coffee to good effect. Tell me, you chose Cafe Coffee Day on purpose, didn't you? You wanted me all high on caffeine!"

"Yeah right, like you were the picture of innocence! What was the whole coy, blushing act? You think I didn't see right through it? You were carefully reeling me in!"

"Ha ha! Well, I had to keep up with you! We must've paid a fortune to Cafe Coffee Day!"

"All because you were paranoid your friends would snigger at you if they saw us in the Food Court!"

"Well they would've! You should've seen their faces once they started getting some idea. People, I tell you!"

"I tell you! Remember I tried teaching you to cycle? You were just enjoying the joyride instead of pedaling!"

"Well, I told you I couldn't cycle!"

"Everyone should know how to cycle. But you lazybum! You were just sitting there as I pushed you around!"

"Heee! And do you remember the bike rides you gave me back home because I would miss the bus waiting for you to finish your goddamn laundry? Black Magic, what do you think she's up to these days?"

"Hmmm, she must be thumping along somewhere in Chengalpet, I'm sure that rascal Gopi must've ripped off yet another gullible soul. But I miss her. Maybe we'll get a Bullet sometime soon."

"Oooh ooh, you remember the mutton biriyani at FC1?"

"Yeah, and you used to make me eat half of yours all the time!"

"Well there was a lot! And you remember the fat cook at Asian Kitchen?"

"He he yeah! He used to ask me where 'madam' was?"

"Good god! How scandalous! And you remember you gave me Leo the Lion, all giftwrapped? Good god, my team were like Christmas came early, they couldn't stop ribbing me!"

"It's almost midnight. I'm gonna stop this imaginary conversation in my head and call you now."

"Oh..."

"Wake up when you hear the ringing please?"

"I will."

"You have to."

"You know I love you right?"

"I love you too."

******************************

Happy New Year, Baby Boo.

An Interview With A Konkani

Everytime I get a phone call from home, I usually end up freaking out a friend/bystander, because I'm speaking a strange language, which sounds like it came from beyond the Himalayas. Which usually leads to the following inquisition.

*********************

Q: What was that??

A: That was the Konkani language. I'm a Konkani. 

Q: You're a what?

A: A Konkani. That means that I speak the language, and that I am a part of a very exclusive group. Hah! Bet you didn't know Deepika Padukone was one of us. Or Vijay Mallya.

Q: You have a separate language for yourself?

A: Yes, we do. And unless you are one of us, I don't think you'll understand a word of it. If you know Marathi, you might understand some of the words, and this works both ways. I can understand some Marathi.

Q: So say something in your language.

A: No! Besides, you'd either squawk or keel over laughing. You're not ready yet. 

Q: Ah. So how did you learn it?

A: The same way you learnt your Hindi/Malayalam/Tamil. I learnt it from everyone at home speaking it.

Q: Waitaminnit. So you don't speak Malayalam at home?

A: No. I'm not a Malayali.

Q: How does that work? Aren't you from Kerala?

A: No, I'm not a Malayali, if that's what you mean.

Q: So where are you from?

A: Sigh. I'm from Kerala, but I'm not a Malayali.

Q: Er.......

A: It could be, and I'm just taking a wild stab in the dark here, that my ancestors settled down in Kerala?

Q: Ohhhh. So where are you really from?

A: Goa. All Konkanis are originally from Goa. But they spread out across the coast, primarily to avoid persecution at the hands of the Portuguese invaders. Yeah, those times. That's how far away my Goan connection is.

Q: Whoa, so you are, in a way, Goan.

A: Not really, I probably wouldn't understand a word in Goan Konkani.

Q: There are types?

A: Yeah. We are spread out across the Konkan Coast. Starting from Goa, we settled down in Maharashtra, Karnataka and pockets in Kerala. I am from the small group that reached Cochin.

Q: So how are all of them different?

A: Well, each of these regions had an influence on our way of speaking. You will see a pronounced difference in the way a Mangalorean and a Kochikkar speak, even though they are speaking the same language. The words are mostly the same, but somewhere in between, a word with heavy local influence will pop up and confusion will reign.

For example, "sugar". Kochi Konkanis call it "paindhaar", obvious influence of the Mallu word for sugar "panjasaara". The Mangaloreans call it "sakkar", which is more of a Marathi influence, I guess. So when a Mangalorean asks a Kochikkar if he wants "sakkar" in his coffee, the other will probably say no, "paindhaar" is fine.

Q: Whew. Complicated language.

A: Don't you guys have dialects? Do you understand every version of Hindi/Malayalam/Tamil? It's the same thing.

Q: So your Mom and Dad are both Konkanis?

A: Yes. My dad is from Kochi and, mom from Mangalore.

Q: Tell me something in Konkani?

A: Like what? Do NOT say "My name is ........."

Q: Dammit. Ok, how do you say "I want something to eat."?

A: Are you sure you're ready for this?

Q: Yeah. Absolutely. Bring it on.

A: Now, when I say it you do NOT keel over laughing.

Q: Oh. Ok?

A: "Makka ittheyi khanvchaak jaai."

Q: Wha?! What IS that?

A: Yes, that is how we speak.

Q: Explain the words in that.

A: Makka - "For me" 

ittheyi - spoken with a nasal tone - means "anything"/"something"

khanvchaak - again, the n denotes a nasal tone - means "to eat"

jaayi - "want".

Q: Whoa.

A: Yeah, whoa.

Q: So you guys are like this totally different culture and everything?

A: Well again, a lot of regional influence, but yeah we have our own temples, our own customs and traditions, our own diet, our own way of talking.

Q: What kinda diet?

A: Konkani dishes are, well, different. For example, any Kochi Konkani worth his "meett" (salt) must have tried the Pathrodo, atleast once in his life. So what is it? It's a kind of roll, made out of Colocasia leaves. I'm pretty sure that   no-one had any idea you could actually eat that stuff till we turned up, and tadaaa.

Q: Ah. Interesting. So about your name, "Bhat". Is that a common Konkani name?

A: Yes. "Shenoy", "Pai", "Kamath", "Prabhu" are some of the others. A "Bhat" is usually a priest. As was was my great-grandfather. My grandfather was the first in my family to pursue a career outside of priesthood. These surnames were usually indicative of the person's trade in the "days of yore". Like a "bhat" being a priest, a "Prabhu" was usually a landlord, "Pai"s were businessmen (yeah, we are genetically inclined towards it), and the "Mallan"s/"Mallya"s were , well, bodybuilders.

Q: So you could be a priest?

A: Technically, yes.

Q: Do you know all the rituals and everything?

A: No, which is why I'm not one. But after my upanayanam, I used to do the morning pooja at my house.

Q: Upanayanam? What is that?

A: That is the Thread Ceremony. It signifies that the person is now truly a Brahmin.

Q: You're a Brahmin? Then how come you eat meat?

A: Er, why not? I believe, "faith" should be in the mind, not the stomach.

Q: Ah. Wow, interesting.

A: Aren't we all?

********************

Secretly, I love freaking people out like that. It's fun to see the double-takes, and faces with that "/:S" expression when they hear me speak. Like Ashan says "the language from before God's existence".

But undoubtedly, the funniest came last Republic Day Celebrations at the hospital where my dad works. My sister and I were watching the proceedings from the back, and talking to each other in Konkani. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the guard trying to make sense, and miserably failing to do so. Finally, he decided he couldn't take any more, and leaned over to ask, in patchy Hindi, "Kidhar ka aadmi hai?" ("Where are you from?"), Mallu accent and all. "Ivide okke thanne ullatha, chettaa" ("I'm from around these parts."), I replied, in perfect Malayalam. The double-take and the sheepish laugh? Priceless.