So the done thing when you get a code is to decode it, apparently. And the best way to get this done is to hand over said code to a guy who knows a guy, in a dark alley behind a bar. At night. Wearing trench coats. And sunglasses.
No, don't ask me why. These are time honoured traditions that have existed since the days of The Wachowskii.
Anyway.
First, I had to find a bar. Which was ironic, seeing as I had just bolted from a bar. The bar. The greatest bar in the Universe. Bar none. Zaphod had probably barred me already. Which reminded me, "The Bard" was an excellent choice of a bar for a clandestine meeting.
From the End of The Universe, the number of ways to get to any other place in the Universe is 2. (Theoretically, there are infinite ways. Because the theoretical answer to any question that involves numbers is "Infinity".) The first way is to get a really fast car/ship/unicycle of some sort, and gun it away from the End, because once the Universe ends, you're not going anywhere.
The second way is the Loophole. A loophole is a rare and powerful type of wormhole that can take you wherever you want. A supercharged, personalized wormhole, if you will. This means that two people can see the same loophole at the same time, and yet end up in two very different places! But unlike wormholes, which are a dime a dozen, loopholes are extremely difficult to find. According to the Encyclopedia Galatica, a loophole can usually be found lurking next to a "star that appears near the end of anything". So all I had to do was find a star near the End of the Universe, see the loophole, and...
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"The Bard" is a nondescript, shady alternative hangout for shady characters who have been barred from all other bars across the Universe. The creme de la creme of shady, so to speak. The Real Slim Shady himself was the Guest of Honour at the inauguration. What better place to meet Guy Hunosagai, Knower of Guys.
Disguised as a Barred Bartender, I sat in a dark corner of the bar. The position was perfect. No one would even think of looking in the corner, because the place was circular.
Pretty soon, I saw a guy make his way to the counter. This was my chance. Was this the guy who knows a guy, Guy Hunosagai? I decided to probe him. By asking questions. At a safe and respectable distance.
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'ssup.
'ssup maaan.
Ah, nothin'. Jus' the old SSDD.
I know man. It's all propaganda though. I know a guy who says the same shit everytime.
*he knew a guy!*
You know a guy?
Of course man! And this guy he knows a guy, Hinoe Zagii, who knows a guy who told him *dramatic pause for effect* that it was propaganda. By the Galactic Government no less. But I know a guy who gets me around.
*This was the guy, Guy Hunosagai. He had a guy for EVERYTHING.*
That's cool man, because I had some work. Of sensitive nature. The kind that could get you barred from The Bard.
Keep going...
I have code.
SSSSSHHHH! Why didn't you tell me before?! For code, we must go the Alley.
Right you are, let's go then!
But there's still 42 minutes to nightfall! We must wait. And don't worry, trenchcoats and sunglasses are available at a very nominal security deposit. So drink up, my man!
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...42 minutes later...
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I'm sure you understand why we had to wait. The ancient Wachowskian tradition...
I totally understand, Hunosagai-san.
You know my name! You are no ordinary bartender. Tell me, who are you?
You see through me. I am Pathos, formerly of R@EoTU.
So the stories are true! There is a vacancy at the R@EoTU!
I'm afraid so. Why, are you interested?
Noooo. But I know a guy who is.
Ah well. So, do you know a guy who can decrypt code?
I know lots of guys who can decrypt code. But what kind of code?
It is unlike any code I have seen. It seems to be derived from the Ancient language of Web.
Let me have a look.
Here, what do you think?
Hmmm, you are close. But no cigar. This is a later form of the Web, called Goog.
Goog?
Goog.
And you know a guy who knows Goog?
It is an extremely rare skill these days...
Money is no object.
...but luckily for you, I know a guy who can Goog. In fact, he goes gaga over Goog.
That's good to hear. It is of utmost urgency. A matter of life or death.
It always is. Meet me here tomorrow at the same time. With your credit card. I don't accept cash.
Thank you, Hunosagai-san. So this guy who Googs, what is his name?
Hees Thagii.
I know he's the guy, but what's his name?
Hees Thagii! His name is Hees Thagii.
Hees Thagii?! Legendary overlord-turned-philanthropist-turned-axe murderer-turned-painter Hees Thagii?!
The same. Luckily for you he turned Code Breaker last week.
Are you sure Hees can be trusted?
"...he can be trusted", where's your grammar, my man! And, yes he can be. Hees has always been extremely professional.
If he's the guy you say Hees Thagii is, I have no reason to doubt him.
Rest assured, Pathos. I must leave now, I have to meet this guy. So tomorrow it is then?
Of course, Hunosagai-san, we shall meet tomorrow.
Cheerio!
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Help is on the way, d' Argh.
Hold on.
