Oct 24, 2012

A Touchy Movement

Some time ago, I got a forwarded mail that was just so, so wrong. There is no other way to describe it. Let's have a look, shall we?

Disclaimer 1: Personal Details masked, because I don't want to be hunted down and killed by a touching* Systems Analyst.

Disclaimer 2: I have *nothing* against Systems Analysts. They're delightful people. Most of the time.

*****************
<quote>

Hi Friend

One more touchy movement

I like to share some thing. Like every day I start early for bang-6, When I reached bommanhalli  bus stop, I saw a lady, she is not able to stand properly, look like she is sick, people are watch her but know body came to help her. I was not able to understand what she is asking (talking in Kannada). One girl come to me and asks about her. We ask one auto person to drop her to BTM. He agreed but when he saw the leady without saying he run away, I was looking for another auto, Girl was having conversation with leady and she took out big money and gave to leady without any hesitation, Till that time able to get another Auto. We finally board her to auto.

You know who that girl is, she is one of <company name masked> HR.  (I did not asked her name)

I saw people to help other but most of them from <company name masked>  It always makes me to feel proud to be part of ‘<company name masked>

Such incidents always touch me, my sole, Humanities is still there in world. 


Friends – if we cannot become like SUN, at least  we should like Candle.  


Thanks and Regards,
****** ***** *****

_________________________________________________
Systems Analyst
<company name masked>, Bangalore, India
É +91 80 ********* , *********** È +91 ***********
? ***********@********.***
MSN/AOL -**********/********* 
<unquote>


******************

Amazing. A truly transcendental experience, reading this...thing.

Let's wade right into the morass.
  • "Touchy" --> "Touchy" means "irritable"...what he really meant was "touching" but of course, this is just the beginning, and really, this is great in the face of what's coming.
  • "touchy movement" --> Good Lord.
  • "people are watch her but know body came to help her" --> What this person talking about knowbody really knows, no?
  • "We ask one auto person to drop her to BTM" --> The one reasonably correct sentence in this Pool of Misery. In fact, the others are so horrifying that this one shines like a diamond.
  • "We finally board her to auto." --> What does this mean? Really? Yeah, I know that he's TRYING to say that they got the "leady" into the auto, but really that sentence(...if you can call it that.) is straight out of an English teacher's nightmare.
  • "It always makes me to feel proud" --> I no, we all make us to feel so proud that Systems Analyst is making type this much in English, know?
  • "Such incidents always touch me, my sole, Humanities is still there in world" --> They touch his "sole". The underside of his foot. And he's very grateful for all the Humanities courses in the world, of course.
  • "Friends – if we cannot become like SUN, at least  we should like Candle." --> I hear this is a big problem nowadays, people hating candles.
And, the most horrifying part.
  • Systems Analyst --> that would mean a reasonably senior member of a multinational giant. 


But then again, I guess he gets. it. done. 

Without talking.

Hopefully.



Jun 6, 2012

Stories From Long Ago - Part IV (TOW We're Going Next Year)


"Tell me a story, it's been so long since you told me a story..."


"Well, ok, I suppose you want to hear a story from when I was little?"

"Yeah...!"

"Ok..."

*****************

Miracles happened every day. Magic was real. There were magical places, far away. Every night I went to sleep listening to stories about them, the magical people who lived there, and the songs that they sang.

Super Mario fought his way through a world filled with gnomes and magic mushrooms, only to discover that the princess was in another castle. But he dug underground, scampered up vines into the sky, hitching rides on passing clouds, finally reaching the Eighth World. Magic was real, and we wanted to grow up in a world where magic mushrooms jumped out of exploding bricks, and made us bigger and older.

Ooty was way up in the hills, and it was so cold that your breath fogged, and you could pretend like you were smoking. It was so high up that you could see the fields far below, like a jigsaw puzzle, and clouds would drift under your feet. Like they did in Super Mario. I couldn't wait to go to Ooty and step onto a cloud as it was passing by. We were going next year. We would go to Ooty, and from there down south to Kanyakumari, where three oceans came together.

December was cold, and we would wake up early during the holidays, and sit on the porch watching the dew-drops glinting off the Morning Glory that blanketed the rusty gate. We would breathe out into the misty air, and it would be like this at Ooty, when we would take that trip we used to talk about. Except that in Ooty, it was so cold that you had to wear 2 sweaters.

The room heater came out of the store room during winter every year. It glowed in the dark through the night as we snuggled under the downy quilt. It was really cold. And just imagine, Ooty would be colder. Next year, we would all go there. And to Kanyakumari, where you could see three oceans, at the same time. And I told anyone who would listen. We were going next year.

It was easy to believe that the world was magical. Every night I went to sleep listening to stories about magical places. Every night I dreamt about what I would do when I got there. Because, we were going next year.


*****************

"And did you go, next year?"

"Yeah we did, once. In 1993."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"We could go to Ooty again, you know."

"And Kanyakumari too?"

"Uh huh? And we could try walking on clouds?"

"We can't anymore. They stopped letting people on in '94."

"But we can still see the 3 oceans though."

"Yeah, they're still there."

"We'll go next year."

"Yeah. Next year."

Mar 18, 2012

Stories From Long Ago - Part III (Puthol Bhat and The Finance Minister)

"So?"

"So..."

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing..."

"So?"

"So what?"

"Are you going to talk?"

"About what?"

"Well something! Say something! You're putting me to sleep!"

"Well, I could tell you a story?"

"A story about what?"

"About my grandfather?"

"Ok..."

**************************************
The days of DD-1 and summer holidays. When an ice-cream was a rare celebration, and eating out meant "Mixed Noodles and Chilli Chicken" at Hotel Karthiyayini. For half an hour every night, the lights would go off. And the world sat down and everyone fanned themselves with a newspaper, in the light of a flickering candle, as mosquitoes buzzed just out of reach. The only generator in town belonged to Dr. Haridas, whose house carried on as usual as the rest of the world watched the long hand of the clock move slowly across half its face.

The elders would reminisce about the days when the world was still black and white. The British Sahibs still ruled India, but to a small community of Konkanis clustered around a small temple off 70 Feet Road, the politics and drama of their daily lives held much more interest than the happenings in a faraway land. And as these stories were relayed through each passing power cut, the men and women that featured in them attained mythical, heroic proportions in the mind of an imaginative young boy. I listened, to the nostalgic musings by the half light of a flickering candle as the long hand of the clock moved slowly across half its face.

The first one from the sheltered community to pass SSLC, my grandfather, Narasingha "Putholu" Bhat was immediately branded a "red" or a "communist", for choosing not to tread the path of his father, Hari Bhat, a priest at the small temple off 70 Feet Road. And no ordinary priest, Hari was the son of one of the three priests who carried out the prathishttha of the idol, a loyal and faithful servant of Lord Mahavishnu. And his boy? He wanted to study, and learn typewriting, and work! The nerve! Who did he think he was! Tongues wagged, as is wont to in the small community clustered around the temple off 70 Feet Road.

Putholu was no ordinary boy. He grew up in a crowded house, watching his father struggle to make ends meet with his meager income from his job as a priest at the temple. He saw the petty politics that maneuvered Hari Bhat out of it too. The same idol that Mannkku Bhat and his son had worshipped faithfully all these years sat serenely behind those high walls, as the Powers That Be cast a blind eye to His loyal priest. A good day, was when the family ate twice a day. Most days Putholu and the rest of the family went to sleep on empty stomachs. Putholu realized the only way out of this unfair little world around the temple was an education. Not able to afford a book, he would walk to far away Fort Kochi to his uncle's house, to study with the books they bought for their children, under the light of a street lamp. They would share dinner with him, a bowl of gruel and beans. He would sleep on their verandah at night and walk back home to the small house near the temple in the wee hours of the morning.

Now, having armed himself with an SSLC degree, and typewriting skills, he became one of the very few at the time qualified to be employed at a Sahib's company. Aspinwall & Co., a major exporter with its office in Wellington Island, was looking for an accountant, and through a family friend, Putholu applied for the post. Confirmation came a few days later. Putholu was now an official employee of a Sahib's company. Hari Bhat's head had never been held higher. His son was the accountant of a big Sahib's company. Tongues wagged furiously. Rumours spread like wildfire about how Hari Bhat was now a rich man, thanks to his son's salary. Sycophants lurked, but Hari made sure that none of them reached his son, cutting them off as soon as they reared their heads, once famously doing so in a court of law, but that's a story for another time.

Putholu rose through the ranks at Aspinwall & Co.. An accountant with a hawk's eye, he became the Sahib's right hand man for balancing his books. One fine morning, T.T. Krishnamachari and his cohort of vigilantes showed up at the office at Wellington Island and demanded to see the Sahib's financial statements and books of accounts.

The following sequence might have been a tiny bit exaggerated through years and years of retelling, but Krishnamachari was not impressed with the half-baked responses the clerks were giving. Surreptitiously, the Sahib sent the word out. "Get Bhat over here!". Minutes later, a gleaming black car rolled to a stop outside the small house that Mannkku Bhat built, near the small temple off 70 Feet Road.  It was the sort of thing that brought everything else to a standstill. Every eye in the vicinity looked on unblinkingly, as an emissary of the Sahib escorted Putholu into the car and sped away, setting the tongues wagging even more furiously. A Sahib's car? For Putholu??

By the time Putholu reached Wellington Island, Krishnamachari had worked up a fine lather and had reached a point where he threatened to sue the Sahib and his company. Putholu arrived, and sat down with Krishnamachari and the Sahib. For half a day, they sat in the Sahib's office going through the statements. By the end of it all, Krishnamachari was smiling. The Sahib was smiling. Putholu had saved the day.

As he was leaving, Krishnamachari asked for the young man who had handled the accounts. "Join me as my PA", he told Putholu. Ever the dutiful son, Putholu replied that he would have to ask his father.

For Hari Bhat, now an old man, sick and bed-ridden, Krishnamachari's offer was something that threatened to take his son, whose job with the Sahib had elevated them from the life of "temple dwellers" , who would some day have to perform his last rites, to a faraway land of which he knew nothing. "I want you here with me", said Hari, and as far as Putholu was concerned this was the final word. He declined Krishnamachari's offer and continued in the Sahib's office at Wellington Island till the day he retired. 

Later that year, the British set sail back home, leaving India in the capable hands of Pandit Nehru. A few years later, T. T. Krishnamachari became India's fifth Finance Minister.

Putholu earned the Sahib's unending gratitude for his services, and to this day, people talk about how the Sahib came to his house in the gleaming black car to inquire on Putholu's health, as he lay on his deathbed.

The lights come back on. The long hand of the clock has ticked thirty times. The world is in colour again, and everyone sits silently for a while. I look at my father, my great aunt, they all have this half smile on their face. Are they thinking "What if?". It's time for dinner, and everyone has their work to do for tomorrow.
************************
"Why didn't he say yes? Your lives would've been so different!"

"Yeah, and I probably wouldn't have met you..."

"Oh no, then it's probably a good thing he said no!"

"He he he, yeah now go to  sleep, that was a long long story..."

"Are there more stories about your grandfather?"

"Oh yeah, but not now, go to sleep!"

"Oh, but I'm not sleepy anymore..."

"Well I am, and besides I've been talking for a long time..."

"Oh...ok then...goodnight."

"Ok, goodnight."


Author's Note : "Putholu" and "Mannkku" are nicknames. Nobody is ever called by their real names in the small community clustered around the temple. Everyone has a nickname, or atleast a twisted version of their names. "Saraswati" becomes "Saraspati". There are nicknames like "Rumbhat" (Ram Bhat). Some of the more imaginative ones are "Thorappan" (Bandicoot) and "Kuvla Ambat" (Snake Gourd Curry). I really have no idea how people come up with these names, but they stick, to a point where no one really recognizes their real names.